HP & the Order of the Phoenix: Dumbledore's Story
by Twice DeFun
Summary: A twisted parody of J.K.'s upcoming book.. the excerpt she gave us and what *really* follows after. HELLarious!!!!
1. Dumbledore's Confession

Title: Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix: Dumbledore's Story.  
  
Author: Twice DeFun  
  
Summary: Here is an 'exerpt' of what is going to happen in the upcoming book published by J.K. Rowling. It's a bit twisted..  
but hopefully a tad funny?  
___  
  
  
A bit of a word before the story begins. If you don't already know, infomation about the 5th Harry Potter Book:   
Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix has been given out and can be seen here: http://www.bloomsburymagazine.com/harrypotter/wizard/section/news.asp J.K. Rowling and her editers also gave out a snippet of the book and what to expect. Well... the following surounded by the '---' '---' is done by J.K. Rowling and the rest after that is my own, um, twist to it. Well, enjoy, and please remember to review at the end! :-)  
  
P.S. Sorry for any typos.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
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"Dumbledore lowered his hands and surveyed Harry through his half-moon glasses.   
  
'It is time,' he said, 'for me to tell you what I should have told you five years ago, Harry.   
  
Please sit down. I am going to tell you everything.'"  
---  
  
Dumbledore took off his glass, sat on his desk, and sighed.  
  
"I knew this was going to be difficult, but let me start from the beginning..."  
  
"Five years ago, I was a young boy unsure of himself and others. I did many things... experimented with many sorts of hallucinating thing and became involved in numerous sexual activities.... orgies and the whole sort..."  
  
"Then one day I spotted him through the mass of naked bodies on the floor. A young, beautiful man as unsure as I was. Slowly... I advanced towards him in my baby blue short shorts with my muscular body. He looked up, saw me, and smiled."  
  
"At that time I knew we were meant for each other... him with his ghastly white skin and red eyes.... his lushes black hair, I knew I was in love."  
  
"We then began to make love....Which I will not go into details seeing the horrors on Young, beautiful harry's face...."  
  
Dumbledore sighed. "You see, Tom Marvalo Riddle, or Voldemort as he wished to be called.... really came back five years ago... I didn't want to tell anyone. I was so young, so nieve."  
  
Harry looked at Dumbledore confused and frightened, "But that doesn't make any sense" he protested, "I fought him when he was on Professor Quirrell's head... and just last year he came back! I'm so confused!"  
  
"Poor, poor, Harry" Dumbledore said to harry with empathy, "so young, so ignorant. I went to drastic measures to preserve and fight off others to prove the one I love was really weak. But you see Harry, that face on the back of Professor Quirrell's head was merely a replica of the one I loved, much less beautiful may I add...."  
  
"The Voldie you saw last year, was the real thing. A year and a half ago we decided to break it off. He was being so possessive and we argued constantly. Sadly, we parted and went our separate ways." Dumbledore looked up and sniffed, trying not to start crying.  
  
"Gawd, I miss him so." Dumbledore whispered as a tear ran down his face.  
  
"That STILL doesn't make any sense." Harry objected, "I saw Voldemort as a mutated baby thing... how could he be that way if he was fine only a few months or whatever before?"  
  
"Oh... that." Dumbledore looked down and sighed. "Here, little one, come look into the pensive and you will find your answer to that." Dumbledore got off of the desk and Harry got out of his seat. Slowly, they walked over to where the pensive was.  
  
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Chapter 2 Coming up Soon! Very interesting... hehehe.   
  
Please do your part in the Fanfiction.net community and review! Flames are being accepted. :-) 


	2. The Pensieve

Dumbledore and Harry walked over to the black cabinet against the wall. Harry remember   
the last time he had been to this part of the office the cabinet's door had not been closed correctly   
and he found the pensieve. Dumbledore took out his wand and muttered something under his breathe   
that sound remarkably like 'Yellow Gerbils'. The cabinet immediately opened to reveal the shallow   
stone basin known as 'the Pensieve.  
"Well, Harry, you know what to do." Dumbledore said with such sadness.  
"Professor, you don't need to show me this." Harry replied looking up at the withering old   
man.  
"It's better you see it how it was, rather than me telling you." Dumbledore said as his hand   
shot forward and grabbed Harry's wrist. Dumbledore then shoved his hand into the basin and   
watched as Harry became a duller shade. With that, Dumbledore knew Harry was in his memories.   
  
------------------------  
  
"Holy Shit!" Harry screamed as he felt himself being hurdled forward into the silvery substance of   
the basin. Again he felt the piercing cold of the utter blackness around him. Harry closed his eyes.   
He felt everything rush by and then everything was calm. Harry opened his eyes. He was standing on   
a golden perch at someone's house. Before him, he saw two men, one the looked remarkably like   
Dumbledore and the other that had a resemblance to Voldemort himself. Suddenly his scar started   
hurting, as if it were a dull ache.   
"Humm... I wonder who these people could be." Harry thought to himself. He thought there   
for a bit, and then an idea hit him.   
"Oh, it is probably Dumbledore and Voldemort! Silly me!" Harry went to go slap himself on   
the head. Out of the corner of his eye he saw bright red feathers.  
"Oh! This must be Fawkes' memories!" Harry said aloud. All a sudden yelling could be   
heard.  
"LOOK AT THIS MESS!" Voldemort screamed picking up the pile of thongs off the floor.   
"I work so hard at keeping this house clean and all you do is mess it up!"   
Voldemort was sporting bright pink short shorts and a very loose purple shirt that was   
unbuttoned all the way down to the middle of his chest.   
"WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE TO NAG ME?" Dumbledore screamed back at him.   
Harry realized that Dumbledore had only a leather thong on and a scarf around his neck. He winced   
at such a sight.  
"I WOULDN'T HAVE TO NAG YOU IF YOU DIDN'T ALWAYS LEAVE A MESS   
EVERYWHERE YOU GO!" Voldemort yelled with his arms up in the air waving them furiously.  
"OH YEAH? YOU WANT ME TO CLEAN UP MY MESS!" Dumbledore roared picking   
up one of the thongs on the floor. "HERE!" Dumbledore hurled it at Voldemort and it hit him right   
in the face.  
Voldemort looked back at Dumbledore in such utter disbelief.   
"You...I... believe.... ME!" Voldemort was lost for words. Dumbledore took his chance.  
"AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I NEVER LIKED THIS ONE YOU GAVE TO ME!"   
Dumbledore said picking on a bright green one with pompom balls on it. "IT'S UGLY AND   
UNCOMFORTABLE"  
"But Dumbledore... baby.... I thought you loved that!" Voldemort said his bottom lip   
quivering.   
"No. NEVER. I just did that to not hurt your feelings." Dumbledore replied with such   
bitterness. Voldemort started crying to himself.  
"That's JUST like you," Dumbledore scoffed, "always crying over EVERY LITTLE   
THING!"  
Voldemort began to cry even harder. He took a handkerchief out of shirt and blew his nose.   
He looked up at Dumbledore.  
"It's OVER DUMBLEDORE!"Voldemort shrieked at Dumbledore sniffing.   
  
"FINE! GOOD-BYE! HERE, I'll GET YOUR THINGS FOR YOU!" Dumbledore hollered   
at him. With that he shouted 'GETOUTOFHEREUSANDTAKEYOURSTFUFFUS' and a suitcase   
of all Voldie's stuff appeared at Voldemort's feet. "There... OUT!"   
Voldemort looked up at Dumbledore with such hate.   
"I used to love you." he said.  
"I never did." Dumbledore replied cruelly. Voldemort let out a cry.  
"Oh you awful, awful man!" Voldemort said storming out of the house. Right before he left   
Voldemort took out his wand and pointed it at Dumbledore. "You'll regret this!" he said shaking the   
wand at him.   
"You will too." Dumbledore replied darkly.  
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Chapter 3 coming up soon! PLEASE REVIEW!! 


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